“Can we fix it?”
(Hmm. Think someone fell asleep while the kids watched Bob the Builder … and a new slogan was stolen born?)
So … who will make up the new cabinet? Shall we start with Scoop, Muck and Dizzy?
Well, not exactly buttah. I cheated and didn’t use a strainer or food grinder, so my apple butter is lumpy. But, hey, it’s apple butter. I got fancy yesterday and used the food grinder on the applesauce. It’s more like buttah than the apple butter. Oh well.
I heard someone on election night say that everyone will remember exactly where they were when Barack Obama was elected president. Yep. I was at home. Making apple butter.
Congratulations, President-elect Obama, on your victory.
You said you need my help.
Yes, you do.
You said you will be my president too.
Yes, you will.
You said you hear my voice.
I’d love to agree with that, but you have shown me that you hear only what you want to hear. So, while I have a whole lot of other things I could say, I’ll leave it at this for now:
Well done. And good luck.
Oh, wait. That didn’t happen, did it?
It’s official: Sarah Palin will appear on Saturday Night Live.
As an elected official — still in office — she will be in good company.
Sigh.
You both sold me out with your votes for the googillion-dollar bailout, and you both want my vote. These things don’t go together, and I’m confused.
Oh, wait. It is easy to decide who to sell out and who to bail out.
Sell out: A taxpayer with one measly vote.
Bail out: Friends in high places with bags o’ cash, like, oh … AIG.
Sen. McCain, you got $43,275 from AIG employees and $7,634,378 from the securities and investment industry.
Sen. Obama, you got $88,099 from AIG employees and $10,847,652 from the securities and investment industry.
And you’re looking out for … me?
Umm, OK.
And those debates. Are you kidding me? We’ve got troops dying in two wars that neither of you plan to end, even though the American public told you loudly and clearly two years ago that’s what it wanted. We’ve got people losing their jobs, their homes, their retirement savings. We, as a country, are broke, thanks to failed policies both of you supported. And this is the best you can do?
Umm, OK.
Sen. Obama, would you please call your Hollywood friends? The ones who patronize average Americans with reverse psychology because, you know, average Americans are stupid like that. The ones who made this:
Know what I say to them? Shut up. Give me a viable candidate, and I’ll vote. Until then? Shut it. Well, you go ahead and tell Leo he can come over here and lick my face … then I might think about voting for him. Or … maybe I’ll just let him lick my face.
C’mon, Senators. Level with me. Neither one of you wants or needs my itty-bitty vote. The first one who stands up and publicly admits that? Gets my vote.
Linda Hirshman’s latest foot-stomping, fist-pounding, mouth-frothing rant is about (I think)Â daughters of famous feminists defying their mothers by discussing politics.
What’s the matter, Linda? Did you discover a YO-bama-Mamma T-shirt in the back of your daughter’s closet?
Leslie Bennetts should activate the Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam on the Continuum Transfunctioner, save the universe and deliver Breast Enhancement Necklaces to the world.
Because, Dude. Reading the opinion piece she wrote for the New York Post, “Hillary & Katie, Two Women Pioneers … Driven off a Cliff,” is like waking up with a stoner’s hangover and a house full of pudding.
What’s her point? When she writes about everyday, ordinary American women for whom things go wrong, they’re stupid — willfully obtuse parasites who demonstrate for their children that woman is the n***** of the world.
When she writes about Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., and Katie Couric, for whom things — according to Bennetts — have gone wrong, they’re victims. Well-paid, well-heeled victims of the patriarchy that calls for Couric to display her “denuded gams” for her $15 million annual paycheck.
Bennetts says male pundits gleefully deconstruct the “twin debacles” of Clinton and Couric’s “front-page flame-outs,” and she knows exactly who’s at fault.
But there’s plenty of blame to go around, much of which belongs to the male advisors whose catastrophic advice helped steer both women to defeat.
Dude. Because prominent women are, like, totally incapable of making their own decisions.
Bennetts says Hillary Clinton’s presidential bid is a failure.
Dude.
[Looking around nervously … whispering … ]
::::::Don’t tell Clinton!::::::
She will kick your ass. Or, as the Post would have you believe, she will shoot off your face, Ã la Susan Sarandon‘s Louise Sawyer. Yeah, the Post bobble-headed (yeah, that’s a verb … shut up) Clinton and Katie Couric on a Thelma & Louise publicity photo.
But who knows? Maybe Clinton will step down tomorrow, and I’ll eat my words.
Psych! That’s never gonna happen.
Bennetts says Couric is “one of the toughest interviewers in television.”
At CBS, Couric was the $60 million talent, but the suits who run the network were the geniuses who decided that one of the toughest interviewers in television should be reduced to a nauseating female caricature whose main contribution to her new role was girlish fatuousness, despite the excruciatingly obvious fact that the primary job requirement was gravitas.
Dude. Did you see this interview with Clinton — the one where she asked, “Someone told me your nickname in school was Miss Frigidaire. Is that true?” Yeah. Whew! Tough as nails.
Bennetts says Couric was girly and leggy at the behest of the CBS guys writing her paycheck.
Dude. Because she was never, ever girly or leggy before joining CBS.
Bennetts talks about Manolo Blahnik shoes, an essential element of the Victim Uniform of American Female Failure.
Dude. Does a celebrity writer get a pair of Manolo Blahniks in the mail every time she mentions them?
When the ousted Dan Rather complained that his former broadcast had been “dumbed down and tarted up,” he wasn’t wrong, but nobody ever instructed him to insert cutesy comments about his kids between devastating news segments on the Iraq War, let alone to flash his shapely legs and a titillating glimpse of thigh for the cameras. America remains blessedly unfamiliar with the sight of Rather’s hairy pins — one shudders to think what they’d look like in Manolo Blahniks — but Couric’s denuded gams were accorded such prominence that the male honchos masterminding her show seemed to believe that sexy legs in stilettoes were all that viewers cared about.
Dude. Because Dan Rather‘s opinion still counts. And Rush Limbaugh‘s. And Nora Ephron‘s.
Bennetts says Clinton and Couric are “two of America’s most prominent women.”
Dude. I guess that’s all there is. The rest? Posers. Not prominent at all. You know … like these.
Dude. Victims. Or … maybe they have better male advisers, eh?
And if blaming the patriarchy doesn’t work, Bennetts pulls out the “who’s the worst victim” card.
Lest anyone forget the proper role of women, there were helpful reminders from morons like the heckler shouting “Iron my shirts!” during a Clinton campaign appearance. No white males have yet been recorded yelling “Shine my shoes!” at an Obama event, but of course racism is offensive, whereas we’re supposed to laugh off even the most virulent sexism.
Dude. Because that’s how to eradicate sexism — by saying it’s worse than the racism a black presidential candidate (and an entire population of Americans) deals with every day. Because, you know, sexism can’t stand as an issue on its own. It has to climb on the back of racism to be seen and heard.
With friends like these, famous women scarcely need enemies. But there are more than enough of both to get the job done. And so the glass ceiling cracks a couple more well-coiffed heads, as effortlessly as if they were eggs.
Dude. With “journalists” like Bennetts, putting “prominent” women like Clinton and Couric in the “victim” sandbox, who needs a reason to get out of bed up in the morning? Quick. Someone get me a cosmopolitan and some pills. It’s women’s own fault. Because, as Bennetts said in her book, American women today have the most choices of women at any time in the history of the world. According to this article? Here are those choices.
1) Be stupid.
2) Be a victim.
So, Dude. Click your ruby-red high heels together and make a choice. If you pick the wrong one? Blame your male adviser.
*Click click.*
I recently said I doubted Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., or Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., would end the war as president. Marking the fifth year of the war in Iraq, “experts” are now saying the war is probably not even at the halfway mark.
Clinton and Obama will appear on MTV on Thursday at 6 p.m. (EST) to answer questions from young war veterans.
Both spoke about the war today: Obama in North Carolina and Clinton in Washington, D.C.
Update: Hmm. Maybe not. It’s 6:10 p.m., and MTV is still playing Parental Control. I don’t see Clinton or Obama anywhere. Update: Hmm. I guess it would help if I realized that today is Wednesday.
I read White Men Hold Key for Democrats recently in the Wall Street Journal. I take the idea of pigeonholing people into powerful voting groups with a grain of salt (soccer moms, security moms, angry white males, anyone?), but this stuck with me:
It seems like someone else should be there. It’s like there’s someone missing.— Dan Leihgeber, a smelter in a steel plant in Youngstown, Ohio;Â he supports Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton
That’s how I feel. Does that make me a blue-collar white guy?
I understand the whole we’re-making-history aspect of having Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., and Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., run for president. I feel as if I should be more excited about it than I am. I really, really, really want to get the shivers from “Yes We Can“Â or “We Are The Ones” and believe that Obama (or anyone) will wear a big S and a cape and fly in to save the day.
I just can’t, though.
Why? W-A-R. (That’s w.a.r. to you, will.i.am.)
Obama says he’s been against the war since before it started. He said, “I don’t oppose all wars … What I am opposed to is a dumb war,” in his Oct. 2, 2002, speech at an antiwar rally in Chicago. While he joined the Rev. Jesse Jackson, the Rev. Paul Rutgers and former Illinois state Sen. Jesus Garcia in urging the federal government to avoid a military strike against Iraq, Obama was not in a position to vote for or against the war as a state senator in Illinois. When he was a U.S. senator and was in the position to vote on war issues, he voted for funding the war — until he started running for president. That’s when he started saying, “So I make a solemn pledge to you, as president, we will be out of Iraq.”
That’s also when Clinton, who voted for the war and voted for funding the war, started saying, “When I am president, I will end the war.”
Right. Because they did such a bang-up job after the campaign promises of 2006 and the “direct mandate from the American people to end the war.” Instead of ending the war, though, Clinton and Obama changed tack and started saying they would end it … in 2009. Then they backpedaled even harder in a debate in September 2007, when neither would commit to having all U.S. troops out of Iraq by 2013. That’s another five years.
What do they mean when they say they will end the war when they’re president, and how is that any different from Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., saying U.S. troops should be in Iraq for 100 years?
I’ll tell you how it’s different. At least I know where McCain stands. He says he won’t end the war, and I believe him 100 percent.
What’s the big deal about war anyway? Hasn’t it been tossed aside in favor of the bright, shiny object of the day — the economy? As if the war has nothing to do with the economy.
Well, it doesn’t … if you ask President George W. Bush.
(Hat tip: Kemp and Whitehouser.)
But the American people — the ones who issued a mandate to end the war — aren’t that stupid. They’ve said that the way to fix the economy is to get out of Iraq. Gee, ya think?
Even though the economy is now our “No. 1 concern,” McCain apparently “doesn’t really understand economics.” Maybe he thinks leprechauns will replenish the pots of gold while he sleeps?
Clinton and Obama prattle on about how they will set up their respective health-care plans. With what resources? Who will replenish their pots o’ gold? Steven Spielberg? Barbra Streisand? Robert De Niro? Or, wait. Oprah!
Oprah can set up a health-care system for Americans with 200-thread-count sheets on every hospital bed, yoga classes and manicures between doctor appointments and fireplaces in every ER waiting room. Oprah’s plan would simply require 1) All Oprah All Day Satellite Network (including Dr. Phil and The Color Purple) running on every television set and 2) patient-consent forms that say, “This procedure / examination / surgery / discussion between you and your doctor may be monitored for security and money-making purposes. If you choose not to sign this consent form, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya and don’t let the door hit you on your way out, you greedy, lazy American fool” and 3) camera crews, makeup and a few “favorite things” thrown in for good measure and the promise of your malignant tumor showing up on prime-time television.
OK, so I joke. But Clinton and Obama’s ideas for health care have just about as much chance of succeeding as the Oprah Plan does. Why? Because they need to get rid of the elephant in the room first. (No, I’m not talking about race or gender or who’s wearing a turban … or whatever else they’ll come up with over the next several months.) And I just don’t see that happening. They haven’t done the jobs they promised to do as senators. What makes a blue-collar white guy like me think they’ll do what they promise as president?
CityMama at the MOMocrats accused Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., of leaking a photograph of Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., wearing a turban. Where did CityMama get her information?
Where did CNN get its information?
The Drudge Report. (CNN editors: “No need for fact-checking. Get this published now!”)
Where did Drudge get his information?
An e-mail sent by “stressed Clinton staffers” “obtained by the Drudge Report.”
Really? Hmm.
I found the picture published by HAN-Geeska Afrika Online in September 2006. Anyone with a mouse and five minutes could have found it. It’s already been “circulated.”
