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Today, I declare my candidacy

January 3, 2008 | 2008 campaign,Guest blogger,Guest post

My fellow Americans…

Today is the dawn of a new day. A day that offers hope for a troubled nation. A day that, in years to come, will be seen as the turning point in renaissance of the United States of America. Today, dear friends, I declare my candidacy for the office of President of The United States of America.

While I may be slow entering the race, that’s only because I have many of the same problems as you. For instance, my car started making a funny noise last week and I only found time to get it to the mechanic today. The milk in the refrigerator is three days past it’s due date and, because I had no time to stop off at the store, I convinced my kids that the milk tastes funny because it’s Magic Milk that will allow them to become big and strong.

You see, my fellow Americans, I am just like you.

And we need an every day American in the White House! And while I may have missed out on Iowa, New Hampshire voters are sure to take notice as I roll out my platform.

For instance, as the father of twins I pledge to make baby changing tables mandatory in every public restroom from L.A. to New York City. I pledge to make grocery carts seat two kids so a parent no longer has to choose between grocery shopping and chasing after kids.

I pledge to bring back cough syrup – and make it work this time! Every <del>parent</del> child deserves to sleep through the night without coughing up a lung. This is the most technologically advanced society on earth. We made Post-its but we can’t make a safe cough syrup? I know we can do better!

I will be tough on immigration! Dora The Explorer has infiltrated our homes and poses a threat to every man, woman and child in this country. She sets a bad example for our children, cavorting with monkeys and straying far and wide from her parents. We will finally send big-headed kids back where they came from!

I will force all toy companies to face the real issues confronting parents today. Forget lead poisoning, we need to force toy companies to make toys that all operate under one size battery. No more D’s, C’s, AA, AAA, or 9-volt batteries. We demand uniformity and I will make sure we get it!

Health care in this country needs an overhaul. If elected president, I will make sure that all Band-Aids come with smiley faces and rainbows. Every doctor will actually have to listen to a parent’s concern or risk losing their license. No more condescending nods and insincere smiles from our pediatricians!

Finally, I promise to get tough on terror. If elected President I promise to protect every man, woman and child from the evil forces that exist in our country. I will do everything in my power to beat back the infiltration of two of the most terrifying forces our country confronts today. Yes, I promise that we will rid our society from Barney the Purple Dinosaur and Elmo, the red-haired freak with a tickling fetish.

There you are, my fellow Americans. As you can see I represent you, the every day American. I am in touch with what American needs to make this an even better society. Vote for me this year and I promise to make your life better.  You can find more of my values and ideas by visiting my website at www.childsplayx2.com.

Posted by Matthew @ 2:42 pm  

5 Responses to “Today, I declare my candidacy”

  1. Childs Play x2 — Because having one just wasn’t enough. » I’m a guest blogger! Says:

    […] I placed my foot into the political arena. You can find my post at over at Becky’s place. Filed under: Blog — Childsplayx2, Copyright (c) 2005-07 @ 11:16 […]

  2. mr. big dubya Says:

    Can you rid us of the Higglytown Heroes, too? Who knows what they’re packing in those creepy Troika doll-like bodies of theirs. It’s a TSA nightmare in the making if they ever decide to fly commercial.

  3. Thea Says:

    Oh, hilarious! I had to read this post aloud to my husband, it was just that good.

  4. Whit Says:

    Right on! Rock the vote!

  5. Devra Says:

    You had me at Barney. ::::::::swoon:::::::::

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