It’s official: Sarah Palin will appear on Saturday Night Live.
As an elected official — still in office — she will be in good company.
Sigh.
You both sold me out with your votes for the googillion-dollar bailout, and you both want my vote. These things don’t go together, and I’m confused.
Oh, wait. It is easy to decide who to sell out and who to bail out.
Sell out: A taxpayer with one measly vote.
Bail out: Friends in high places with bags o’ cash, like, oh … AIG.
Sen. McCain, you got $43,275 from AIG employees and $7,634,378 from the securities and investment industry.
Sen. Obama, you got $88,099 from AIG employees and $10,847,652 from the securities and investment industry.
And you’re looking out for … me?
Umm, OK.
And those debates. Are you kidding me? We’ve got troops dying in two wars that neither of you plan to end, even though the American public told you loudly and clearly two years ago that’s what it wanted. We’ve got people losing their jobs, their homes, their retirement savings. We, as a country, are broke, thanks to failed policies both of you supported. And this is the best you can do?
Umm, OK.
Sen. Obama, would you please call your Hollywood friends? The ones who patronize average Americans with reverse psychology because, you know, average Americans are stupid like that. The ones who made this:
Know what I say to them? Shut up. Give me a viable candidate, and I’ll vote. Until then? Shut it. Well, you go ahead and tell Leo he can come over here and lick my face … then I might think about voting for him. Or … maybe I’ll just let him lick my face.
C’mon, Senators. Level with me. Neither one of you wants or needs my itty-bitty vote. The first one who stands up and publicly admits that? Gets my vote.
I read White Men Hold Key for Democrats recently in the Wall Street Journal. I take the idea of pigeonholing people into powerful voting groups with a grain of salt (soccer moms, security moms, angry white males, anyone?), but this stuck with me:
It seems like someone else should be there. It’s like there’s someone missing.— Dan Leihgeber, a smelter in a steel plant in Youngstown, Ohio;Â he supports Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton
That’s how I feel. Does that make me a blue-collar white guy?
I understand the whole we’re-making-history aspect of having Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., and Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., run for president. I feel as if I should be more excited about it than I am. I really, really, really want to get the shivers from “Yes We Can“Â or “We Are The Ones” and believe that Obama (or anyone) will wear a big S and a cape and fly in to save the day.
I just can’t, though.
Why? W-A-R. (That’s w.a.r. to you, will.i.am.)
Obama says he’s been against the war since before it started. He said, “I don’t oppose all wars … What I am opposed to is a dumb war,” in his Oct. 2, 2002, speech at an antiwar rally in Chicago. While he joined the Rev. Jesse Jackson, the Rev. Paul Rutgers and former Illinois state Sen. Jesus Garcia in urging the federal government to avoid a military strike against Iraq, Obama was not in a position to vote for or against the war as a state senator in Illinois. When he was a U.S. senator and was in the position to vote on war issues, he voted for funding the war — until he started running for president. That’s when he started saying, “So I make a solemn pledge to you, as president, we will be out of Iraq.”
That’s also when Clinton, who voted for the war and voted for funding the war, started saying, “When I am president, I will end the war.”
Right. Because they did such a bang-up job after the campaign promises of 2006 and the “direct mandate from the American people to end the war.” Instead of ending the war, though, Clinton and Obama changed tack and started saying they would end it … in 2009. Then they backpedaled even harder in a debate in September 2007, when neither would commit to having all U.S. troops out of Iraq by 2013. That’s another five years.
What do they mean when they say they will end the war when they’re president, and how is that any different from Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., saying U.S. troops should be in Iraq for 100 years?
I’ll tell you how it’s different. At least I know where McCain stands. He says he won’t end the war, and I believe him 100 percent.
What’s the big deal about war anyway? Hasn’t it been tossed aside in favor of the bright, shiny object of the day — the economy? As if the war has nothing to do with the economy.
Well, it doesn’t … if you ask President George W. Bush.
(Hat tip: Kemp and Whitehouser.)
But the American people — the ones who issued a mandate to end the war — aren’t that stupid. They’ve said that the way to fix the economy is to get out of Iraq. Gee, ya think?
Even though the economy is now our “No. 1 concern,” McCain apparently “doesn’t really understand economics.” Maybe he thinks leprechauns will replenish the pots of gold while he sleeps?
Clinton and Obama prattle on about how they will set up their respective health-care plans. With what resources? Who will replenish their pots o’ gold? Steven Spielberg? Barbra Streisand? Robert De Niro? Or, wait. Oprah!
Oprah can set up a health-care system for Americans with 200-thread-count sheets on every hospital bed, yoga classes and manicures between doctor appointments and fireplaces in every ER waiting room. Oprah’s plan would simply require 1) All Oprah All Day Satellite Network (including Dr. Phil and The Color Purple) running on every television set and 2) patient-consent forms that say, “This procedure / examination / surgery / discussion between you and your doctor may be monitored for security and money-making purposes. If you choose not to sign this consent form, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya and don’t let the door hit you on your way out, you greedy, lazy American fool” and 3) camera crews, makeup and a few “favorite things” thrown in for good measure and the promise of your malignant tumor showing up on prime-time television.
OK, so I joke. But Clinton and Obama’s ideas for health care have just about as much chance of succeeding as the Oprah Plan does. Why? Because they need to get rid of the elephant in the room first. (No, I’m not talking about race or gender or who’s wearing a turban … or whatever else they’ll come up with over the next several months.) And I just don’t see that happening. They haven’t done the jobs they promised to do as senators. What makes a blue-collar white guy like me think they’ll do what they promise as president?
I watched Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., on Saturday Night Live. Again. It was a rerun from his October 2007 appearance. He wore an Obama mask (it was the Halloween show), took it off to reveal … (surprise!) Obama … and shouted the famed phrase, “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”
Wait. When did that happen? Didn’t politicians used to wait until they were out of office before doing SNL?
Bob Dole appeared on SNL in 1996 after he lost his bid for president. George Herbert Walker Bush appeared on SNL in 1994 (after his presidential term) and 2000.
What is this? The Fred Thompson effect? Arnold Schwarzenegger? Jesse Ventura? Or was it Ronald Reagan? And why do they all scramble to appear on The Colbert Report, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and Real Time with Bill Maher? Is it because mainstream news has become such a joke that the fake news is more exciting?
Some ask if the Obama appearance constitutes an SNL endorsement. So I wondered how much money SNL producer Lorne Michaels gave to Obama. Interestingly enough, he’s given quite a bit to … Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz.
Speaking of McCain, he was apparently the first elected official to host SNL — while in office — in 2005. He even sang Barbra Streisand songs. In 2002, he joked about impending war. Because, you know, war is funny. I mean, gosh, if you can’t laugh at war, what can you laugh at? What’s next, John? A waterboarding skit?
The line between politicians and celebrities blurs and sometimes disappears with celebrity endorsements as the big news of the day. They line up behind their politicians, and regular folks are supposed to care.
Updated: Mike Huckabee was on SNL this weekend.
Hillary Rodham Clinton
(Click on the pictures to see political donations.)
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., has been endorsed (so far) by Maya Angelou, America Ferrera, Quincy Jones, Billie Jean King, Jack Nicholson, Rob Reiner, Kimora Lee Simmons, Steven Spielberg, Barbra Streisand, Amber Tamblyn.
John McCain
McCain has been endorsed (so far) by Curt Schilling, Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone.
Barack Obama
Obama has been endorsed (so far) by Halle Berry, Zach Braff, Ken Burns, George Clooney, Larry David, Robert De Niro (but he’s given $14,200 to Hillary Clinton), Hill Harper, Scarlett Johansson, Sheila Johnson, Dave Matthews, Kal Penn, Chris Rock, Will Smith, Maria Shriver, Kathleen Turner, Usher, Forest Whitaker, Keisha Whitaker, James Whitmore and — in case you missed it — Oprah Winfrey.
Enter will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas and Yes We Can.
Can what, Sam I Am … I mean … will.i.am? Oh, right. You bring your cocoa puff, I’ll bring my lovely lady lumps … get you drunk, make you scream, get you spendin’ all your money … riiiiiiight … umm, sure … yes.we.can, will.i.am.
Black Eyed Peas
My Humps
Monkey Business, 2005
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ices.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and NaDonna
Karan, they be sharin’
All their money got me wearin’ fly
Brother I ain’t askin,
They say they love my ass ‘n,
Seven Jeans, True Religion’s,
I say no, but they keep givin’
So I keep on takin’
And no I ain’t taken
We can keep on datin’
I keep on demonstrating.My love (love), my love, my love, my love (love)
You love my lady lumps (love),
My hump, my hump, my hump (love),
My humps they got you,She’s got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me.
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me, up on me, on meWhat you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump (ha), my hump, my hump, my hump (what).
My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps (Check it out)I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go.
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Let’s spend time not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.They say I’m really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.
You can look but you can’t touch it,
If you touch it I’ma start some drama,
You don’t want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don’t pull on my hand boy,
You ain’t my man, boy,
I’m just tryn’a dance boy,
And move my hump.My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
In the back and in the front (lumps)
My lovin’ got you,She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me.
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me, up on me, on me.What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon’ do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I’ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.(A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha) [x4]
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me and spendin’ time on me
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me, up on me, on me.
(And that won a Grammy.)
Updated to add:
Thank you, Todd, at The Bullshit Observer.
