Bennetts: Men shirk chores because women let them

April 19, 2008 | Daddy bloggers,Family,Leslie Bennetts,Work

Hey, guys, fathers, dads, daddybloggers… Leslie Bennetts writes about you this time in “Chores for two: Why men don’t pitch in.”

Ask your typical American dad what size shoes his children wear, and you will likely draw a blank stare. He has no idea. Guess who makes sure the kids’ toes aren’t poking through their sneakers?

OK, Typical American Dads: Do you know what size shoes your children wear?

(If you do, you’re one up on me. I have to dig around in the closet and look at the shoes to find out what size my children wear.)

Here’s another question: Are you a lot like children?

And while I recognize that gender stereotypes are risky, in my experience husbands are a lot like children. They will get away with whatever they can get away with. When you put your foot down and make it clear that you won’t take no for an answer, somehow the kids’ rooms get cleaned, the groceries bought, the laundry folded. It really does work, I promise.

(My husband already has a mother.)

In case you haven’t seen me cite this quote enough already, here it is. Again.

So why aren’t women demanding something closer to parity? While many are resigned to seething in silence, the stakes are far higher than they seem to realize. When wives permit their husbands to shirk a fair share of the homemaking and parenting, not only do they themselves suffer, but chances are good that they’re also sentencing their children to a similar fate. When you have kids, everything you do teaches them how to live their own lives when they grow up. Unfortunately, all too many women are still teaching their children that “woman is the nigger of the world,” as John Lennon and Yoko Ono put it so memorably in a song lyric years ago. And what too many fathers teach their sons and daughters is that men can get away with dumping the scut work on their wives, and that women will grit their teeth and put up with it.

Revisiting Linda Hirshman

March 17, 2008 | Family,SLBTM,Work

Why did New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer cheat? Because his wife was an “opt-out revolutionary.” She “quit her day job.” And it’s all her fault. Right. Because husbands whose wives don’t opt out? They never cheat.

Revisiting Leslie Bennetts and The Feminine Mistake

March 16, 2008 | Books,Family,Work

It seems Nataly at Work It, Mom! is in a bit of a pickle. She signed up Leslie Bennetts to write a series of articles over the next 10 weeks called “10 Reasons Working Moms Should Feel Great About Themselves,” based on her book The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? (now out in paperback). The first article was called, “Reason number one: Working women are happier.” Nataly is surprised by the reaction.

I won’t comment on the article. I’ll just send you to my review of The Feminine Mistake. I think that covers it.

Oh, wait. One thing. Who planted daffodils today?

Show of hands?

Call Guinness*! I think we’re about to set a record

February 12, 2008 | Family,Getting sick,Health,Norway,Traveling,Vacation

See that? That’s how much the Kristiansund Hospital in Norway wants for one overnight stay for my daughter in December. That’s NOK 9750,00 (Norwegian kroner) or about $1,780. That brings our running tab for this vacation to almost $14,000. For three weeks — and one day (thanks, Haris) — in Norway. Next time a Norwegian says they have “free” health care? Don’t believe it. I never have. Paying a 50-percent income tax rate when we lived in Norway was enough to make me believe that nothing is free.

So, dear Norwegian Consulate in Houston, can you help a mother out? (Or anyone? Please?) It apparently doesn’t matter that our daughter has dual citizenship, a Norwegian passport and a Norwegian identification number. I know she doesn’t live in Norway, but this was an emergency.

I suppose it wasn’t great timing for the hospital stay, considering all the news about Gro Harlem Brundtland at the time. Norwegians were all up in arms about her use of the Norwegian health-care system. She’s a former Norwegian prime minister. She’s also a physician and former head of the World Health Organization. (Sorta ironic, no?) She’s retired now and lives in France, and Norwegians weren’t about to let her get “free” health care that included a hip operation. Never mind that she probably paid up to half of her lifetime salary in taxes to pay for Norway’s “free” health care. And never mind that she’s one of those people Norway’s system is supposed to care for in its cradle-to-grave “safety net.”

…

*I meant this Guinness.

But a few of these wouldn’t hurt. (Although, who has money for beer? Sigh.)

P.S. The bill arrived today. I’m afraid to check my mail anymore.

Gentlemanly Conduct

January 2, 2008 | Daddy bloggers,Ethics,Family,Guest blogger,Guest post,Opinion,Parenting,Politics,Quotes

(Guest Post by Todd, The Bullshit Observer. How I know Becky: I’m just another blog-mirer.) New Years day, My 5 year old and I took a break from watching college football to play wiffle baseball in the back yard. At one point he had a little tantrum and threw his bat. As is my fatherly duty, I scolded him. “OK, not cool. You don’t throw your bat when you’re upset, Nick,” He picked up the bat and hit a few. Then he threw his bat again and I immediately barked, “Nick, that is unsportsman-like conduct,” somehow expecting him to know what that means.  “What does that mean?” he asked.  “It means that it’s….not cool….and….not how you are supposed to behave when you play baseball,” I said, somewhat feebly. “It’s not respectful of the game or your fellow players,” I added.  Then I thought, “Well, what the hell does that mean?”  Then I started thinking. Where has the idea of sportsmanlike conduct gone anyway? I just watched at least a half-dozen college football players get busted for late hits, pushing opponents, and celebrating in their opponent’s face. That kind of behavior seemed normal. Even routine. Then it occurred to me that the ideal of gentlemanly conduct (which “Sportmenship” is based upon and which can be defined as acting with an acute sense of respect and propriety), is one that is in dire need of a revival.When I pledged a fraternity in college, the active members made us “poopies” (pledges) memorize a poem by John Walter Waylen entitled, “The True Gentelman.” It goes like this: 

The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.     

The idea of this passage was clearly too good for the fellows that made me memorize it in the back of a station-wagon at 80 miles per hour with a hood over my head and then recite it while a match burned down to the tips of my fingers. Oh precious irony. Oh precious Neosporin.  As we hop back into our lives this January 2nd, let us take a moment to absorb this ideal. Ladies too, for this is surely a gender generic idea with a gender specific name. Unlikely though it may seem, especially during an election cycle, it is possible for this true gentleman/gentlewoman ideal to make a comeback. Let us resolve ourselves to expect nothing less that this. Because if we start expecting dirty, underhanded behavior from those around us, above us or in the spotlight, then we will have accepted it and we will have succumbed to it and then the new ideal will more closely resemble Machiavelli’s The Prince. In a sense, that’s really what this blog, Deep Muck Big Rake, is all about. Isn’t it?

Oy To The World, the Chinese Is Come, Let Jews Receive Their Food!

December 25, 2007 | Books,Family,Friends,Guest blogger,Guest post,Middle East,Movies,My neighborhood,Opinion,Research,Stuff,Weird things,Working Mother

Aviva and Devra are in da house!  Merry Christmas Ya’ll!   Maybe you aren’t expecting a holiday greeting from the Two Jew Crew, but when Becky asked if we would guest blog, we requested Christmas. Why? Because we know You People our Christian mishpuka should be able to spend time with their families, so we shall work today so you don’t have to!  (So when Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur roll around return the fave. K?)

Jews and Chinese Food.  Add Christmas to the mix and you get a Holy Trinity  representing a Trifecta of Treyf. Why is this night different from any other night? Why on this night do Jews eat at Shun Lee instead of at home?  From Christmas Eve to Christmas Day Jews are making their Kung Pao pilgrimages.  Even Working Mother Magazine  Jews can’t tell you where this longstanding holiday observance originated, we only know it’s tradition. It’s how we roll.   Everyone should  know more about Jewish holiday observances beyond, “They tried to annihilate us. We survived. Let’s Eat!”  If Becky where here, she would no doubt be calling out the people striving to be our nation’s leader to tell us why Jews eat Chinese food On Christmas. 

 Hillary should know.  Fred Thompson may have the secret.  Is Barack is just one consonant away from unlocking the mystery?  Oh hell. Move over politics! Let’s dish…

Believe it or not, the combination of Jews and Chinese food is an ancient custom – OK, not biblical ancient nor is it an Ancient Chinese Secret, but it does appear to go back to the late 1800’s – no putzing around!

“In lower Manhattan, immigrant Jews opened delicatessens for other Jews,Italians ran restaurants for other Italians, and Germans had many places serving primarily Germans. But Chinese restaurants welcomed everyone. As a result, even in the 1890s both Jews and Italians usually felt more at home in Chinese restaurants than they did in each other’s eateries.” (Originally published; “New York Jews and Chinese Food: The Social Construction of an Ethnic Pattern” by Gaye Tuchman and Harry G. Levine) 

Fast forward a few hundred years and it is still generally true.  Chinese food does not include dairy products. The fear of mixing a little dairy with your meat isn’t an issue. (You say, “Pork!” We say, “Kosher house, not Kosher stomach.”)  Look, Chinese food  became a status symbol for our people during The Depression – immigrant Jews who ate out at Chinese restaurants identified themselves and others as being chic and sophisticated-why should we want to change that practice?  Is it so terrible? Who does it hurt? Don’t you want your mother to be happy? 

Nowadays, you can find many eateries willing to open their doors to make a buck on Christmas, and you can find quite a few folks  who would rather buy a meal instead of cook one.  However, it wasn’t so long ago, Chinese restaurants were about the only option for eating out on Christmas day.  Another bonus to Chinese food on Christmas is the holiday repast is available before or after the matinee. Just because Christmas is not a Jewish holiday, does this mean no Jewish observance? Feh. Whatever your observance, we wish you Good Fortune and a very Merry Christmas!

Paternity Leave Heaven

December 22, 2007 | Benefits,Family,Guest blogger,Guest post,Parenting

Hi there, I’m AdventureDad and you might know me from my site or The Blogfathers.  Becky has graciously asked me to do a guest post and during her Norwegian adventure.  Poor Becky, she’s over in Norway freezing her butt off  and seeing absolutely no sunshine for  a few weeks while people like me ruin her blog. I’m actually not  far away from Becky since I live in Sweden, Norway’s neighbor, since a few years back.

The Scandinavian countries are known for many things but since I’ve travelled around the world quite a bit, and lived in U.S. for 15 years,  I think priority on families and children really stand out.  Something I’m very grateful for since I have two young children. The greatest example in Sweden is the  very generous maternity/paternity leave that all parents have a right to.  I’m just going back to work after six months of paid paternity leave which some people find completely normal while others can hardly believe it.

Reactions to a father staying home for six months with his children vary but can generally be divided into three  groups.  The Swedes think it’s great and simply ask how long I’m staying home.  The Americans are shocked and impressed, especially that fathers have the same possibilities, at our long paid leave and ask lots of good questions.  And finally the South Americans, especially fathers, who are too shocked or uninterested to ask anything at all.  The Latin fathers simply can’t believe why any father would voluntarily stay at home with his children, a job clearly meant for women only.

If you’re a father and wonder if it’s a nice vacation to stay home with two kids I can quickly tell you it’s not.  I have the most stressful Wall Street job imaginable but being at home with my children is twice as tough. It’s a real challenge.

How come so few countries  pay parents so they can give their infants, and of course also the family, a good start in life?  I don’t know but having seen the difference I’m convinced parental leave is one of the best investments ever for a society.  I’m sure problems later in life, like disease, crime, finances, and family stuff, become far less of an issue since parents get a relaxed start and have time to build a very close relationship with their kids (and spouse).  Not having to worry about finances, health care, or work does make an incredibly difference.  While many say Sweden offers so many family benefits because of our social democratic system I’m sure it’s actually a clever plan which in the long run drastically decreases the expenses for the government.   It’s a win-win situation for everyone.

For every child the Swedes are allowed to stay home 480 working days. Mother and father can split the time any way they want. The compensation is roughly 90% of your salary up to a cap which is equal to an average salary.  Some companies, like my employer, even make up the difference for higher salaries so the compensation will be 90% regardless if one is making $25k or $300k a year.

While it would be easy to rip other countries, like the U.S., for  virtually nonexistent benefits I think a better idea would be for those  countries to learn from other systems which work well.  For many who have experienced the different approaches to parenthood it’s obvious that the extra expense paid early on yields an amazing payback down the line.  The question is, how do we change the system to make it easier to combine children, family, and work?

For me personally, paternity leave has been fantastic and I really wish more fathers had this possibility.  It’s great for the children and stepping into the “traditional motherhood role”  is more educational than you can imagine. I stayed home 5 months with our now 4-year old son and 6 months with our now 16-month old daughter.  I can clearly notice my relationship being very different from fathers who have not spend 24/7 with their kids for an extended amount of time.  Although that is very nice now when my kids are young I expect to see the greatest benefits in 10-15 years.  Those teenage years are apparently not always easy but a great bond with my kids will hopefully help.

Mother dies after having triplets

December 14, 2007 | Family,Parenting,Triplets

A 40-year-old woman, Debra Smith, died two days after giving birth to triplets in Tucson, Ariz. The story about her husband, Andrue, first ran on KVOA News 4 with its story and video. CNN picked up the video. Now the Tucson Citizen has an article.

And the winner is …

December 5, 2007 | Audience participation,Blogland games,Books,Family,Motherhood,PR,Tracy Thompson,Work,Working Mother

Rhonda Van Diest!

One signed copy of The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling with Depression by Tracy Thompson is on the way. Thanks, Rhonda, and thanks to everyone who played along. Big thanks to Tracy, too.

Working Mother works for … you?

November 16, 2007 | Advertising,Benefits,Ethics,Family,Health,Journalism,Work,Working Mother

What a teleconference! Oh, the things they plan to do! For you!

• Paid family leave?
• Paid sick leave?
• Paid vacation days?
• Portable, affordable health insurance?
• High-quality, affordable childcare and preschool?

:::Shh! Hear that? That’s the sound of corporate executives across the country having a collective heart attack.:::

Nah, not really. The teleconference was a platform for Working Mother to roll out its latest venture: to give “best of congress” awards every two years (starting in September 2008) to members of Congress “in recognition of their leadership in improving the quality of life for working families.”

But I’m jumping ahead. Here’s what happened.

Donna Klein, who earns $200,000 a year as founder and CEO of Corporate Voices, read her welcoming remarks and said we would hear from Rep. Deborah Pryce, R-Ohio, Working Mother Media CEO Carol Evans and Jami Taylor, a mother and activist. Klein tossed out some statistics — that the American workforce was under increasing pressure to meet the goals of a global economy and that childcare-related absences cost business $3 billion a year. (The $3 billion a year is a statistic from 1991 by an organization, Child Care Action Campaign, that apparently no longer exists.)

She mentioned that more than 30 bills dealing with family issues — FMLA, childcare-subsidy increases, workplace flexibility, etc. — were before Congress. She gave statistics about breastfeeding and encouraged working mothers to “advocate for lactation space” because “many employers are open to suggestions.”

Evans also talked about breastfeeding and lactation rooms. Which made me wonder … why are they so focused on lactation rooms?

Then I found this.

A full-page advertisement in Working Mother’s October 2007 issue by Medela, a major breast-pump manufacturer, said that Working Mother “teamed up with” Medela “to gain a better understanding of what the Working Mother 100 Best Companies are doing to help support their employees who are breastfeeding.” Medela offers — for a price — services to corporate clients through its Healthy Babies, Happy Moms, Inc. (That’s one of their corporate lactation rooms in the picture.)

Business ears perked up with the news in 2005 that 73 percent of mothers were breastfeeding. Considering that the United States has a high percentage of working mothers yet offers no guaranteed paid maternity leave … well, you do the math. What did Medela hear? Ka-ching! If maternity leaves were kept at the bare minimum or non-existent, Medela got to sell more breast pumps. Eh?

According to a Jan. 10, 2007, Wall Street Journal article, “it is all about business plans, market share and product placement.”

In another lift to sales, nursing products are being reconceived as fashion accessories. Celebrities have discussed their nursing protocols with the news media. When U.S. pump company Medela Inc., a unit of Medela Holding AG of Switzerland, sought to put its products on TV shows three years ago, it found no takers. Last fall, its pumps were included in story lines on “ER,” “Weeds,” and “The Office.”

(Medela, based in McHenry, Ill., is affiliated with the U.S. Chamber of Commerce via its membership in the McHenry Area Chamber of Commerce.)

Back to the teleconference.

Pryce mentioned several initiatives before Congress (mortgage foreclosures, war on terror, health care, education, SCHIP) to illustrate “that Congress is always working on something that can affect you,” but she didn’t mention where she stood on any of the issues.

She also didn’t mention that she has been endorsed by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, which should offer an idea on where she stands on issues important to employees and working families. Here’s her voting record. Here’s who gives her money.

Next up was Evans, who was introduced as having “surprising” news. Evans went through the list of lists her magazine publishes (100 best, best small companies, best law firms, etc.). Then she talked about a survey of 500 women that revealed the No. 1 reason they work was for money. The No. 2 “surprising” answer was to use talents and training. No. 3 was to be great role models for their children. (She didn’t give specifics of the survey, so I don’t know when or by whom it was conducted.)

Why was the No. 2 answer a stop-the-presses! surprise? Got me. What did she expect the answer to be? Besides, it wasn’t clear what this “surprise” had to do with advocacy.

Here are her suggestions for callers to “get involved.”

• Ask your company to apply for our list.
• Express your voice through our MomBlog (at workingmother.com, natch).

Next up was Jami Leigh Taylor with “an amazing story of courage and triumph.” Taylor explained that she had been working for a few years on availability and accessibility of maternity insurance. They paid $22,000 out-of-pocket for a healthy pregnancy with no complications because her husband’s company dropped its maternity coverage just before she had a baby. Here are her tips.

• Start with congressional staff. Make friends with the chief of staff.
• Attend events they are already scheduled to attend.
• Bring the kids! (Whisk them out if they get too fussy.)
• Look at it as a way to get dressed up and go out on a date!

The results of her BFF-ships with staffers? Has she gotten anyone to write legislation or pass laws? Dunno. She didn’t say.

After a few questions, the teleconference ended.

So what did we learn?

• Working Mother and Corporate Voices will give “best of congress” awards.
• Evans was surprised! that women work to use their talents and training.
• Ask your boss for a lactation room.
• Take the kids to meet your senator or representative!